Monday, July 1, 2013

Riot Plz - The ARAM Conspiracy.

As of this second, I have 307 wins and 307 losses in ARAMS.

No one really contemplates these things, which is part of why it works, but all thirty-eight of my closest ARAM friends come within ten points of a 50-50 win / loss record, and that is far too perfect a percentage to be by chance alone. While keeping a player interested, motivated and challenged requires losses, player satisfaction requires wins, and 50/50 appears to be Riot's golden ratio of happiness...but how exactly do they do this if an ARAM is 'All Random?'

The answer isn't all random. There's nothing random about it at all. It's all carefully planned and orchestrated to create the illusion of randomness. In truth, outside algorithmic forces are at work. The deck is always stacked in favor of one team over another, and you've all seen it happen plenty of times. Certain characters have a very high win rate in ARAMs and you can be sure there will be several of them on the opposing team when it's your turn to lose. Of course, skill level can still prevail in these match ups, but skill level is measurable as well, and ELO clearly is taken into account and calculated into the equation.     

But, the conspiracy goes deeper still!

Once I was made aware of Riot's sneaky manipulation, I began to discover just how far they will go to prevent me from getting a win. Yesterday's glorious losing streak is a prime example. I was subject to suspicious problem after suspicious problem, and Riot was clearly at the core!

For starters, I went 'bug splat' link dead at the start of three games, severely crippling my team. Then I was bugged in game and unable to buy, and had to completely reboot. During one particularly difficult game where we were coming back against all odds, the transformer on my street blew, plunging us into darkness. The lengths that our unscrupulous Riot will go to are beyond belief! This morning, my cat turned my computer off mid-game...under Riot's silent feline directive. In the next game, they made Kaspersky bring up an override screen in the middle of a team fight.

Know those games where someone goes afk at the start and never leaves base? Those are evil Riot agents, added to even out the playing field when a game cannot be run without you winning. Likewise, those people who just stand behind your tower and run in circles are also Riot bots! And they're programmed to heckle your build, no matter what direction you go in. 'AP Ezreal is stupid, he does like no damage!' or 'AD Ezreal? Why? In an ARAM?' simply to make you waste a minute in base while you type back an explanation. (Or in my case, a few expletives.) And on those rare occasions when the system glitches and gives you an amazing line up, Riot will quickly fix the problem with a fake 'summoner has quit' message.

They're probably watching me right now with their high-powered satellite surveillance, just waiting for any attempt on my part to breech the 50/50 ceiling. They have full control the power grid, the internets and the government. This is why most of our lives also seem to fit the 50/50 mold. Not to blow your mind, but the phrase 'you win some, you lose some,' has been around for a very a long time.

This is because Riot is behind it all.

And now you know the truth.